I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

Signs, they ask me when I go into the Neurologist if I have an aura (sign) anything of significance that happens before a seizure as an indication I am going to have one. 

Frustrated at the question because my Eplilepsy has changed. As did the “signs”. When I enrolled in college at 40, I made a really good friend. Katherine always knew when I was going to have a seizure. I knew God put her in my class for this reason. She cared, and took a vested interest in me.  I had “signs”, and they were very obvious. My mom usually could tell as well. My speech would become slurred, my texts did not make sense, and I began to look not well (white, and sickly). 

Katherine would quietly nudge me, and we would proceed to walk out of class with my weak body at her side. We would call upon the campus security as they were programmed in my phone. This was becoming my per usual they knew me by name. The end result of my seizures then was during my English 101 class. The counselors discussed it being in my best interest, of course my choice but to take a break from school. As the story goes, my one dream that I wanted so bad had to come to a close. I just nodded my head, and left feeling sucker punched. Seizures were taking over.  

So when I sit in these Neurology appointments, my answer is I used to get a “sign” but no not anymore. As the flurescent lights above agitate me, and I can feel myself become slightly off during my appointment. I told my doctor I found it odd that they have these obvious triggers in their office for Epileptics. He did agree, as my head is tilted with the brim of my baseball cap down. 

So no no auras. No “signs” anymore, which they did make life a little easier. I could at least go in attempt to do something knowing my body would be an indicator of a seizure coming on. Now they just come. I feel a little off sometimes, but not anything of major significance. 

Triggers for my seizures, are lack of sleep, stress, and can be light induced. Seizures cause stress, and lack of sleep is caused by the side effects to my medication. So round we go, a never ending circle I wish to not be part in. 

Video games, and White lights will set me off in a second. I believe school was hard because fluorescent lighting is the source of light in each room. When we go to a store with Fluorescent lighting you can apparently see me deteriorate slowly. I go from alive with color, to slowly fading away. My color goes to white, and I can barely think. It is kind of like an aura. 

Anyways this has been a trying time, as I am 4 medications in. I want to do so many of things I used to do. I am not complaining, I am always grateful for another day to serve God. I just feel stuck, my days are on repeat. 

I would not mind if the “signs” came back so then I could maybe go for walks, and get out and about a little more. 

Or maybe God could give me a “sign” that an end is in sight. That the medication will be a of a therapeutic dose. That my life again will be normal, with normal activities that once were. If not may I be okay with what God has given to me. I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

So with this said, I end with this;

Watch “Lifehouse-Hanging By A Moment (lyrics)” on YouTube

Moment Lyrics:

I’m desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I’m Closer to where I Started
Chasing after you

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
You take all of me

Now I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

I’m livin’ for the only thing I know
I’m running here and I’m not quite sure
Where to go?
And down I know I’d like to be in tune
Just hanging by a moment here with you

SOCS prompt sign

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Published by

Lisa Ralph, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

11 thoughts on “I’m hanging by a moment here with you…”

  1. Good for you for speaking up to the doctor about the fluorescent lights. Though they don’t give me seizures, overhead fluorescent lights do agitate me after a while and sure can make a headache worse or trigger headaches in lots of people. Doctor’s offices and schools should offer alternative rooms with softer lighting. I’m adding my prayers for signs and healing, and sending big gentle hugs to you, Lisa.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember someone telling me something they read about how life’s lessons just get harder and harder. The reasoning was that as a person puts in more work on themselves…whether it’s therapy, faith, whatever…they think life should get easier. But, it doesn’t, because it’s like going to school. Shouldn’t the student received more difficult tests as they become better students? It has to become more challenging the higher up you go…

    That being said, it still stinks…

    Like

  3. Horrible condition. I admire your positivity and strength against all the barriers in your path. I hope you are giving your self plenty of rest inbetween all the painting!
    Popcorn says hi, that’s the hamster ๐Ÿ˜‚ calling it popcorn might be risky Jess loves popcorn ๐Ÿ˜ฎ I’m sure she won’t eat it…
    Have a good day my unicorn buddy, keep that chin up like u always do ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

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