The day it rained forever hard on my life, I reined it in, and God was asked to reign again…

Rain assulated my soul. My body was brewing with gale force winds, that only the Lord could rein in. With clinched fists, and hefty heart, I was broken. My spirit was crushed, and my life lay shattered in tiny pieces too many to pick up upon the floor, wrenched to my very core

Mist brewed in my eyes the day I had to go knock on my own door with a police escort to retrieve my belongings. How had it come to this? Were we past salvage, was the wreckage too great, where was my lifeboat? I did not even have the strength to swim   

The storm inside my body was unquenchable, and relentless. I could feel anger taking over, and that would have done me no good. I had clinched fists, and my blood was boiling. I felt as if I wanted to punch something. I had to get myself together, regain composure and order. I could not allow my then husband to see he had the upper hand on me. He fed off of my vulernerability. He longed to see me frail. I would not even let on the giant sized hail pelting at me, and making me pained 

The Police officer explained to me on these situations, I would just be allowed to get what I need. My essentials. It needed to be done fast, and he was there to keep the peace. My eyes filled with tears, as it all just seemed so surreal. My kids were behind that door. The last time they had seem me I was being hauled off in a Police car. Who knew what lies had been whispered in their ears. I just knew the moment we knocked on the door for entry into my home was going to be one of the most forleorn feelings yet. The storm had just begun to set 

A group of men from my church escorted me there, hoping their presence might help. They prayed with me while we waited for the Police officers arrival 

My body was shaky, and feet wobbly. I had not got great sleep in days. I just knew this was next in step with the end of what was my life as I had known it

The police officer knocked on the door, and I stood by his side. Britt opened the door. He looked horrible. Dark bags under his eyes, and very scraggly. I was in shambles inside, but tried to wear a brave face when I saw my belongings packed up in the front entry way. The police officer chuckled well you got it kind of easy, it is all right there. Looks like more than your essentials. He procedeed to tell the gentlemen at the bottom of the stairs to be ready to help load my bags into the car. That was it my life of 18 years sat in stacked up by the front door 

My heart began to flutter as I could see my sons face in the distance holding the dogs, my daughter was shuffling through the house as they were in exchange for what was our room for theirs. I wanted to run to my son, and never let go of him. Screaming for everyone to go away, and leave us be. None of this was making any sense

My bags were gathered much faster than I would have liked. Inside I was screaming, yelling, and kicking. Why does this have to be it, why is this the end?  How can he just stand there as if nothing is wrong as I looked at my husbands 6′ 3″ silhouette out of the corner of my eye. He never even flinched. He was so callous, and hard. He was brazen, and showed no remorse.

In minutes it was all packed up, and the police officer had other calls to attend to. I asked him as it was my sons 15th birthday in just 3 days if I could enter to hug my son, and be on my way. This all seemed so insane, as I crossed the ruins of chaotic mess all over the floors. My daughter now just walking past me as if I was ghost with a handful of clothes from her bedroom closet in hand. As I entered the room it became still. My sons eyes met with mine. His little heart broken for all the madness that surrounded. I wrapped my arms tightly around him. I told him how much I loved him. Tears poured from both of our eyes. He was a blubbering mess, I softly through his cries said a prayer. I prayed for all of us, and all that was taking place. I prayed that God would reign over this tragedy. For His will be done. I did not want to let go. Every part of the mom in me was seconds from losing all control. I had to say goodbye, and go. 

As I turned away what I did not know that was the last I would see of my kids for 2 years, our hearts were to suffer great blows 

So this was the day my life rained, I had to rein it in, and God now was given it ALL to reign over, and for His will to be done. 

A sad write yes, but this was also the day the Lord began drawing me back into Him. For I realized I could live without my husband, but the suffering of the loss of my kids was enough to do me in. God was pulling on my heart strings, bringing back to Him. Sometimes God allows the storm for us to cry out to Him for help. He was my lifeboat. He walks on water, and he allowed the heavy rain in my life so that I could call upon Him as my saver/saviour 

Lifehouse; Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water’s getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I’d see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be all right
I know everything is all right

Everything’s all right
Yeah
Everything’s all right

Photo Credit me; Cheney Wa. A couple weeks ago right before a Spring storm. With it came much rain. It was a beautiful storm, and we very much were need of the rain. 

SOCS Prompt

I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

Signs, they ask me when I go into the Neurologist if I have an aura (sign) anything of significance that happens before a seizure as an indication I am going to have one. 

Frustrated at the question because my Eplilepsy has changed. As did the “signs”. When I enrolled in college at 40, I made a really good friend. Katherine always knew when I was going to have a seizure. I knew God put her in my class for this reason. She cared, and took a vested interest in me.  I had “signs”, and they were very obvious. My mom usually could tell as well. My speech would become slurred, my texts did not make sense, and I began to look not well (white, and sickly). 

Katherine would quietly nudge me, and we would proceed to walk out of class with my weak body at her side. We would call upon the campus security as they were programmed in my phone. This was becoming my per usual they knew me by name. The end result of my seizures then was during my English 101 class. The counselors discussed it being in my best interest, of course my choice but to take a break from school. As the story goes, my one dream that I wanted so bad had to come to a close. I just nodded my head, and left feeling sucker punched. Seizures were taking over.  

So when I sit in these Neurology appointments, my answer is I used to get a “sign” but no not anymore. As the flurescent lights above agitate me, and I can feel myself become slightly off during my appointment. I told my doctor I found it odd that they have these obvious triggers in their office for Epileptics. He did agree, as my head is tilted with the brim of my baseball cap down. 

So no no auras. No “signs” anymore, which they did make life a little easier. I could at least go in attempt to do something knowing my body would be an indicator of a seizure coming on. Now they just come. I feel a little off sometimes, but not anything of major significance. 

Triggers for my seizures, are lack of sleep, stress, and can be light induced. Seizures cause stress, and lack of sleep is caused by the side effects to my medication. So round we go, a never ending circle I wish to not be part in. 

Video games, and White lights will set me off in a second. I believe school was hard because fluorescent lighting is the source of light in each room. When we go to a store with Fluorescent lighting you can apparently see me deteriorate slowly. I go from alive with color, to slowly fading away. My color goes to white, and I can barely think. It is kind of like an aura. 

Anyways this has been a trying time, as I am 4 medications in. I want to do so many of things I used to do. I am not complaining, I am always grateful for another day to serve God. I just feel stuck, my days are on repeat. 

I would not mind if the “signs” came back so then I could maybe go for walks, and get out and about a little more. 

Or maybe God could give me a “sign” that an end is in sight. That the medication will be a of a therapeutic dose. That my life again will be normal, with normal activities that once were. If not may I be okay with what God has given to me. I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

So with this said, I end with this;

Watch “Lifehouse-Hanging By A Moment (lyrics)” on YouTube

Moment Lyrics:

I’m desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I’m Closer to where I Started
Chasing after you

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
You take all of me

Now I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

I’m livin’ for the only thing I know
I’m running here and I’m not quite sure
Where to go?
And down I know I’d like to be in tune
Just hanging by a moment here with you

SOCS prompt sign

Bicycle, Bicycle

Just one of those days you write. I have had a rough week riddled with seizures. I fall a lot just at the drop of a hat, my medicine keeps getting upped. No resolve yet. In his perfect timing, and will. 

Epilepsy is very hard on the keeper of the illness, but as well as the spouse. There are days I want to put my hands up, and say I am such a burden. It sucks!!  

So Linda said do whatever with the SOSC prompt: admit. So write again. 

So I must admit this Epilepsy is such a struggle. I miss working, and I really really miss my bike. This time last year, I was already tone from riding hard. I was learning new things about riding, and I just want to ride. Riding was my release!! 

Yesterday was really hard with many tears, and crying out to Jesus. My husband is so sweet spirited. He brought me home the perfectly suited card for me…

I will spare you all the mushy writing inside. He is such a spirit lifter, and brightens my days. 

With all this said I admit I am struggling to exist without my favorites of life, my bike being one so I leave you all with this. Lord fall fresh on me…

Watch “Queen Bicycle Race (Live 1978)” on YouTube

Queen, Bicycle

SOCS Prompt: Admit

I must admit; I am tired…

As I sit here at the age of 43 with many trials, tribulations, unnecessary chaos, and repeated hardships, I must admit I am tired. 

I feel that as I have claimed victory in Christ over my sobriety, and let go of so much of the clamour. In a sense I cleaned house (God as my housekeeper). Rid the unneeded evils, and unhealthiness. Allowed God to do some much needed refurbishing. 

I have allowed God to prune, pluck, make, and mold me into what He desires of me today. So when I still have pains that seem like they could be eliminated, it frustates me. These hurts are usually outside of my control. I would not call them trivial, but how they are or maybe are not being dealt with is what I find somewhat infuriating. I have worked hard to get to where I am in this life. To with God right my wrongs. To let all of my family know, and as well see that I am different. 

I want to live for today, live for the moment. I have lived way to long without song, or smile. Hundreds of miles away from my family. I want my family to be part in all that is my life. 

I have tried to build bridges, not tear them down. The ones that were broken, with God I have tried to restore them. Yet here I sit with some broken relationships, that I am clueless as to the why. That to me is nerve racking. Why not clue the person in. Try to make a mends. We are getting too old to hold onto petty hurt. We do not know when our time will come. I have had many friends pass away as of recent. We know not the day or the hour. Why not forgive, and watch us flourish.

Forgive, and forget. Talk about it, quit acting as if the people that are meant to be part in our lives don’t exsist. Imagine all things we miss. The celebrations, gifts of watching one grow, praying for one another, laughter, and tears. All this is what we miss in the non existence of a realtionship. 

I just want to live for today, for what God has given me this second. Call me weird, but I want to know all of my families lives. We are not getting any younger, and are too old to harbor bitter resentments. I wish you part of my life. If you can’t see this for real, then I don’t know what to say. All this too from people who love the Lord. The term “Christian” is used too lightly. Everyone seems to be a Christian today. 

Yet we are lacking in compassion, grace, forgiveness, kindness, and relationships. We are to be the example of that for our children. Christ like in all we do. Sure we will make mistakes. Knowingly living them is different. God called us to be greater than this. Though here we are next of kin, knowing nothing of one another. 

It is sad, and I must admit I am tired. When is it time to be adults, and set aside the strife? So we can laugh, enjoy, and most of all take advantage of this life that God had given us. 

I must admit I am tired, is not time to hang up and expire the old in exchange for brand new? Think of all that our relationship could be. I am tired, and as always will let it be. For I have said my say yet another day. One day though it will be too late.

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.


SOCS Prompt Admit

Whether I love you no question, no matter life’s weather…

Son,

Whether things will be the same that I can not tell you, the things we have endured and have been through need healing. Peeling the layers back like that of an onion until we get to the center. It may fester like a splinter. Kneel at Jesus’s feet there is retreat

You drove 3,200 miles in change of your life, left behind the strife. Left the knife placed in your back. So the open wounds we will attend to. You need nurtured, and adored. I may be biased but you are a beautiful soul with so much to behold. Allow God to take hold

I will give you the same pep talks I gave my own self some almost 4 years ago (wow it has been that long) where has time gone. I felt weak, defeated, anxious, and scared. Did anybody care, or get it? I do, because I love you. I am always here for you

As quickly as the sunrises and sets, in the blink of an eye you are now a young man. I know you can turn your life which seems upside down right side up. You look at it as so messed up/unfair, in turn look up!! Live life set free, let it be that you are now happy. In God trust

You have got this, you can do this. You are strong, and most importantly you are God’s. His love for you is greater than any other, even more than that of me, I your mother

Put away the dark past, linger there no longer. You have a support system here. Do not fear you are not alone. Smile, and as time passes you will see that this was meant to be you have been set free. In God you have freedoms pass, alas

We have been through just about every storm this life can bring. A lot for someone who is just 18. In that of the most beautiful of days, or the pounding relentless wind and cold rain I am here. You can call on me always. I love you there is no if, and, or buts about it I just do, no matter the life’s forcasted weather.

With love unconditional, 

 Mom

Hosea 6:3

“So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, Like the spring rain watering the earth.”

SOCS Prompt: Whether/Weather