As I sit here at the age of 43 with many trials, tribulations, unnecessary chaos, and repeated hardships, I must admit I am tired.
I feel that as I have claimed victory in Christ over my sobriety, and let go of so much of the clamour. In a sense I cleaned house (God as my housekeeper). Rid the unneeded evils, and unhealthiness. Allowed God to do some much needed refurbishing.
I have allowed God to prune, pluck, make, and mold me into what He desires of me today. So when I still have pains that seem like they could be eliminated, it frustates me. These hurts are usually outside of my control. I would not call them trivial, but how they are or maybe are not being dealt with is what I find somewhat infuriating. I have worked hard to get to where I am in this life. To with God right my wrongs. To let all of my family know, and as well see that I am different.
I want to live for today, live for the moment. I have lived way to long without song, or smile. Hundreds of miles away from my family. I want my family to be part in all that is my life.
I have tried to build bridges, not tear them down. The ones that were broken, with God I have tried to restore them. Yet here I sit with some broken relationships, that I am clueless as to the why. That to me is nerve racking. Why not clue the person in. Try to make a mends. We are getting too old to hold onto petty hurt. We do not know when our time will come. I have had many friends pass away as of recent. We know not the day or the hour. Why not forgive, and watch us flourish.
Forgive, and forget. Talk about it, quit acting as if the people that are meant to be part in our lives don’t exsist. Imagine all things we miss. The celebrations, gifts of watching one grow, praying for one another, laughter, and tears. All this is what we miss in the non existence of a realtionship.
I just want to live for today, for what God has given me this second. Call me weird, but I want to know all of my families lives. We are not getting any younger, and are too old to harbor bitter resentments. I wish you part of my life. If you can’t see this for real, then I don’t know what to say. All this too from people who love the Lord. The term “Christian” is used too lightly. Everyone seems to be a Christian today.
Yet we are lacking in compassion, grace, forgiveness, kindness, and relationships. We are to be the example of that for our children. Christ like in all we do. Sure we will make mistakes. Knowingly living them is different. God called us to be greater than this. Though here we are next of kin, knowing nothing of one another.
It is sad, and I must admit I am tired. When is it time to be adults, and set aside the strife? So we can laugh, enjoy, and most of all take advantage of this life that God had given us.
I must admit I am tired, is not time to hang up and expire the old in exchange for brand new? Think of all that our relationship could be. I am tired, and as always will let it be. For I have said my say yet another day. One day though it will be too late.
Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
SOCS Prompt Admit