Airliners, Insanity, and an alcoholics travesty, no more! 

No not in your pockets that will not do, words from the old. Flabbergassted this was me…A glimpse into my insanity

Airliner size bottles are easier to hide, they aide in clever. If you consider misdemeanors clever. I hid all sorts of alcohol just about everywhere I could think of, beer too

Airliners slip neatly into the bottom of a shoe, if you have a slew no one will be onto you. Boots are even better

They also go quite nicely between the the mattress and box spring, great for the picking once everyone has kicked it for the night

I had managed with certian outfits to conceal them on my person, like anyone is willing to do any lurking

I had a slit in my purse lining barely big enough for these tiny sized swigs to slip right downside of. They lay neatly concealed under my wallet, and the other have to’s. Not a single person ever knew

I hid them in the bathroom among my makeup mess, I must confess I spent a lot of time in the bathroom

Beer cans float well at the top of a toilet bowl, and who ever looks in there unless the flapper becomes an issue, Phew

Poolside was a place I liked to get licked. I hid them in one the community bathrooms under the sink. Way back in a corner, no one ever knew. Use the bathroom, pound one down. 5 left to go. Then blitzed

This was just the normal for me, I thought nothing of it. No big deal. Everything was secret, and hidden. I was a very driven alcoholic, it was always there. I was never without it

I can only imagine my poor liver soaking this in day in and day out. At 5’2″ 108 pounds then. I was drinking myself to death, and darn good at it too

As I write this it makes me sad that I was this deceiving, I believe I had really nobody fooled. I just sat and wallowed in petty resentments. In realtity I was fooling only myself

I filled up a plastic water bottle with a wine of choice thinking everybody would think it was some sort flavored fruit drink, I carried it with me as I shopped. It was always fully loaded and in tow. With me everywhere I would go

I took alcohol to work in a traveler mug, smuggling in booze is a great way to get you fired, it happened a couple times. Oh yes the day I got my D.U.I. Make it worse get fired, sob and despair. Sit in your car with drink after drink, then see how you drive. Right into a buff Increbile Hulk size police officers cuffs, and off to the county jail. $1,000 bail

I still for sometime never looked the part. Looks can be deceiving. That I was. Always dressed to impress, and well schooled. For a moment I could pass myself off as able. Then I would start the job get “my desk” and my booze would dribble from the table 

I was not able. Why do they call it a functioning alcoholic? Usually every one knows. What just because I could drink everybody under the table taking in copias amounts of alcohol without an ounce of sickness or headache  

I was not able. Just because I got up, and drove myself to work? Usually with a drink in the middle console easing my anxieties the whole route there. I just did not care, or did I? I was loosing myself 

I was lost in an alcoholic insanity. Using alcohol as a bandage for my conflicted heart. Albert Einstein said it best; Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  

So I became a professional at something yet, how proud where was my reward? Blue ribbon hangining or a trophy please, “Insanity Professor”. In less time then it takes to get an AA degree

It has been 3 years and just 2 days shy of 10 months since this has been my life. Wow!! 3 years and 10 months since I gave up alcohol in exchange for my life eternal. My life in Jesus!! I carry Him around everywhere I go. He is with me to guard my heart, he takes up permanent residence. I am fully armored against the evil of this world. I know all to well what it is to be of world. Now I am just in it. As it is written to be. God is my keeper, and has reigns on me. I was convicted greatly by my lack of self control. No more for that is a life that has been said good ridden to, and forgiven. 

Can you believe the madness I endured! How absurd! It almost seems harder to be alcoholic, with its trickery and hiding. Thank you Lord for now my abiding is in you!! 

Airliners are for travel to and from a city or county, travel mugs hold my morning coffee, and plastic water bottles are my most prized possesion as I drink a ton of water. I don’t touch a toilet bowl unless it is a must to be attended too. My purse is in tact. I keep my Eli-Pen in there, and most know it can be gone through. I show for work free without slurring my speech, and with that get to keep my job. 

Now here, for all this we can celebrate. Blue ribbon no need, eternal life is my now fated prize!! 

I exchanged insanity for sanity for a life eternal with Jesus! 
 

John 10:27-28

27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 

28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.

Infused in the scriptures, its ripple effect thee must inject for sober….

In order for me to stay sober God is in order. My spirit, and soul must be one with Him. A kinship of the highest authority. He takes priority. 

One might ask how I go about this. I marinate my heart in scripture, transfixed eyes upon each word written. 

Allow the Psalms to seep within, the book of Proverbs to permeate. Then it will all resognante daily for His glory to be seen in my sobriety. 

Stew in the book of Genesis, steep in the New Testement. As Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John they got it going on.  

Brew over Job, as his trials make mine seem oh so trivial. His life stripped, and ripped apart. Groveling to his knees. He still gave God all of his heart, now He was smart!

Immerse myself in the apostle Paul, for his life was without stall. It was all God even in imprisonment. Asking the tough question would I be jailed for the teachings of my Lord for all to hear? Makes one think. Spears the heart towards being all Jesus called me to be. 

Soak in the living waters, and let the Holy Spirit abound. Introduce, Deuteronomy, Numbers, and Leviticus, for none were written without reason. 

Tis’ the season to infuse myself in Revelation for we live perilis times. Already written. 

God gave me this all in that of the Bible. A living manuscript for me to adhere to, for without its real life application my sobriety might as well go on the wayside. 

For in his word is where I charge daily, so nothing can get in the way of my new found clarity. Rarity? Nope not even, just another believer of the miracles God can do when we infuse Him into our lives. He is my all, and redeemer of my soul! This is all in order to remain sober…

Word Prompt:Infuse 

I pray for you, I pray for you, I do…

You were the catalyst that made way for my skeletol remains your hands squeezed tightly around my vocal cords

You were the one feverish to see me fall into the back of a paddy wagon chain locked and taken away for the long haul

You were the one who fueled the alcoholic in me deceived with demons lies, you are better off with this tonic. Kissing the poison into my mouth, those were the voices walking in your stead. 

You were the one whom were supposed to protect my heart, love me as Christ loved the church. Yet you perched in pause with those claws, those claws

I was purposed to be wise build upon my house. With foolish bent burnt it to a crisp. Arsen lit by gasoline soul. Burn, just burn. 

I am no victim I take my share in this, for how we came of this I still take fathom. Wine lots and lots of it. Money pits. Just a primer the liquor hot as hell pounding it down with unabating infirmary. 

We were snathed by its false pretense our hearts no longer flickered, and our love was lost in greedy slimy toxic water fed. We were led astray by lies that spoke from within the bottle. We took cover in it instead of one another. 

We were two lost souls separated by all we allowed. The world a thief in the night. Gave up, gave in. Melded our skin, gave into our flesh. 

We cast God aside traded Him for hate, violations dripped from our mouth. Alcohol was the catapult for the beginning of the loss of our vows. 

Nothing sacred, what we were is gone. I don’t cry for you anymore, I had to put you away. The malice was too much. Disfavor took up seed. I have heard the things said of me. I was your love, and lover. 18 years, gone. Childshish catatonic behaviours. 

You don’t know me anymore, and I know not of you. I promise this, I pray for you daily. For you would scoff at that. Hey I get it. I just know once was alcohol being our prison from within. Christ came, and cleaned me of my stinch. He catapulted my heart, and I am unearthed onto higher ground. Free as a bird singing in song. I long for you this freedom to. I pray for you, I do. You were the catalyst that I allowed to take my hand running in admiration of the world. I had to flee, for my life was not living. I lived in an empty shell, that was held togeher by the moisture in the bottle. 

I pray for you, I pray for you, I do.

Proverbs 14:1

The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love yours wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. 

Daily Prompt: Catapult

Adrift no more, anchored to the cross, she was set off shores

Adrift she is not, for He touched that one very sweet spot. She grabbed for it alas. Sweet as a honey bee and its nectar 

He gave her a hand up from under the cloud covered all consuming of “I”. 

Down the river she will never float again in fear of pulsating rapid’s

She is anchored in the cross for there her sobriety won 

Adrift no more He took her very broken wings, and allowed them to soar singing with release SOAR

She is no longer choking upon her breath, He breathed a new life of breath in her. Death only at His hour, all power to Him

She is no longer in wander with lack of directional purpose, she is in the pursuit of God’s compass 

She has hope for her youth has been restored when He scooped her up from her drown in her own self pity

Iniquity is not swallowed away with a gulp and an angry middle finger, in his His throne room it lingers, it sits with hope at His right hand there she can be found safe and of sound mind. 

Adrift that is no longer a part of her life unless it is for recreational sport, for God took a spear in pierce of her heart

Adrift no more, He has wiped her slate clean of her fixaction. Tied down, anchored, clinging…Stable now that is not a word she thought would again be in her vocabulary 

For God is her is her lifeline and stability she found, adrift what is that?  Adrift what is that…she has been found! 

Word Prompt: Adrift

Bitter Sweet; Mother’s Day

Just 3 months shy of 4 years sober. Mother’s Day is bitter sweet for me. I have one heart down, and one to go. For some it is days, weeks, months, or years. Apparently years for this one (tears)! Oh how I miss you sweet daughter! 

The message etched on my heart for my first born Brie Faith. If I could only heal all the pain I caused, and recover all your youth stolen. To say I am sorry, and ask for your fogiveness. I wish to start anew. I don’t know you anymore. For the Brie I so adored, what are all your favorites? It would be like making friends with a near stranger. I long, and pray for the day we will be brought to healing. Awkward family reunion. I just pray it is not after your wedding day, as I see through social media you have a boyfriend. All I do know of you is based around your Twitter. Sad reality I have here, as I have not seen you in some odd years. Likely you are bitter, and every right so.  

I miss your beautiful face, your goofy ways, and love for Tim Burton films. I can’t write much more today, as I am brought to my knees in tears for we lack so many a year. I love you sweet Brie Cheese…

My mind is a jungle as I sift through photos of you, and what was. We have not lost, not yet! For I will never forget. The truth which you have yet to know is for today I am sober!! 

So for now I hold on to my little Minnie Mouse, Luke Skywalker, Fair Princess, and your shining 20 year old self!! Love the dermal piercing, you are simply gorgeous! May God get all the glory for our story is still being written. I was smitten the day you were concieved! 

 Word Prompt:Maze

The new kid on the block; newbie me


He wiped the morning dew from my eyes. I finally put away my disguise. I can see through the stained wet glass my Lord’s reflection. He has allowed me clarity, and sight. Much to his delight, I can now praise his name in any weather, and certainly dance in the rain. For his love for me will never change. I am free, and I am ME!! 

Photo credit; Lisa Raplh-Winter 2011, Spokane Wa. Cold dreary winter morning, with no end in sight. 

I am no longer the new kid, but still kept my armor on, newbie or not. Three years, and eight months of Sobriety brings about a sort of coziness in it if you will. Yeah, I am cozy today. I have a resilience I did not have then. My comfort is not in a bottle. No more climbing in, and soaking in solidarity day in and day out. No more self loathing with every gulp. When I was done with my bottle it was empty, yet spilling from its rim was every emotion worn from the entirety of my life. I was like the teddy bear that was unrecognizable as to its character, stowed away in a yard sale box. 

In the beginning it was just plain awkward in every way. There was an uneasiness that resonated from within me. I was aware that most could sense it too. I knew they were looking at me, thinking will I be able to pull it off? Can she remain sober? Is she really sober? 

I stumbled into my mornings, but not a drunk stumble. A stumble of not knowing how to function with out alcohol. My mental capacities were lowered. I was like a baby learning how to go from a crawl to a walk, and I forgot how to walk and was back at a crawl. A snails pace is how I went from day today. Or at least I did in the first few weeks. 

All the while I held onto the famous saying “one day at time”. As well the “serenity prayer” was recited over and over in my head. People seemed awkward around me. I knew my need for change infriends/scenery was a necessity, as I was to feeble to stand alone in this whole “sober life” idea. God was my only steadfast safety net. He was my “AA”, his truths!! He surrounded me with the tools of my spiritual armor to help in the battle of my mind. The battle was fierce, I had only just come to an understanding as well as admittance that I was “an alcoholic”. 

As rooted in the word (Bible) as I was, the temptations were all the greater. That is what happens when we die to self. Satan will bring about stimuli that is astehically pleasing to our eyes, and mind. His hope is our heart fails. For all the while he is endorsing failure, making it vibrant all around. I had to drown out the eye candy, and for a while stop sight seeing. I needed solitude to rest in my new found clarity. I was under great arrest, and being put to every test.

So in the very beginning it was a lot of walks, and reading my Bible. I had few conversations with friends, just waiting for the craving to be anbandoned. It was still there like the nag of the little brother in constant ask to come along. “No”!! “You can’t, you always want to tag along”. “You are annoying, slow me down, and I just want to be alone”. “Leave me alone”!! His little shadow always lurking in the distance.  

In the very beginning these were the honest raw thoughts that exhausted my thoughts, and tried to take up residence in my mind…”you can drink a little, a little will not hurt you”, “you are still hurting inside it will help ease the pain”, and “no one will ever know that you did”. This was a constant repeat all day, as my rebuttle was the Lord’s promises he gave me if I stayed sober, and as well what would come of me if I did not. At one point I even tried to convince my mom, that in order to stop drinking it needed to be a slow taper. She almost allowed me a drink too. Foolish!! I was new at “sober”,  as my life for years had been a self centered reliance of alcohol in dismissal of the Lord.

Storm ; Lifehouse Lyrics

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form

Water’s getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I’d see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be all right
I know everything is all right

Everything’s all right
Yeah
Everything’s all right

Word Prompt: Apprentice

There is not a single smell or fragrance which will do…not for you

There is not a single smell or amount of fragrance which would cover the stinch coming from you, for you drank too many a brew. Spray Tiffany thinking your epiphany is all so wise. You wear a mask, and alcohol is your disguise.    

Who are are you trying to fool, it is seeping out your pours. Do you think eu de toilette will do? 

Oh my that smell is horrid! Do you think the fragrance line from Abercrombie and Fitch will seriously cover up the night, and its glitch? 

You had way too much to drink, did you consume the the whole kitchen sink? You stink from head to toe. Do you think Eu De Fath will make it go? No, you need a bath. Soak and scrub, for this is no joke. 

You make a horrible drunk spraying your skunk about. Not even Lady Gaga’s scent will mask your sad midnight sagas. 

You are so wretched drinking your days away. Trying every flavor in desperation to rid the obvious insanity. You want to try Bumble and Bumble, you whom are not even humble? 

Try every perfume to no a do. Every fragrance, every aroma, every scent, nothing will cover the years already spent. Spray Brittany Spears, I hear it smells great. It will not take away the fear in you thinking someone can smell that you are near. 

For this tonic you take great pleasure in can not be covered by any single smell or amount of frangrance. For you have become a vagrant. 

NO perfume will do…

Oh my wait, there is but one that will make this right. All the years will be forgotten. Enter through the garden’s gate. For the Lord has been waiting. He will bask you in his mercy that is new every morning. He will cover you in his grace, for with him you need not disgrace. Place the bottle down, and trade it for your crown. You smell of beauty, and you are adorned with your Father, and are now in one accord. 

Ecclesiastes 7:1

 A good name is better than a fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. 

Word Prompt:Perfume

Mental Diversion Tactic

Today I write from my extrovert self. A girl whom is an outdoor enthusiast. Last year at this time I was working full time, and Mountain Biking 5 days a week, and the other 2 hiking. I even learned to Snowboard, and this girl can carve. I learned to carve on my bike, and my snowboard. Was I cool or what(or what)?. Hey I thought so. I rode with the guys…

On my Mountian Bike I found the need to push it hard for miles up mountainous terrain, just for the downhill rush. I learned to rock hop, and also what it means to crash and burn. Yet I still rode out. My motto was “ride hard or go home”! At the top of any said trail head I always stopped to take in the glorious portrait that surrounded me. The beauty in God’s creation. I have some awesome scenic photos in my photo library. 

I was an adventure junkie. On hikes it was off the beaten path, even if the compass could not give a way home. Through the thicket, and up the winding paths of woods was where my feet found treasures. On a petal, or in the wilderness my feet belonged. It was a great outlet for me. 

Since then I have been given to my Epilepsy. At this time it is uncontrolled due to the right medicince, and therapeutic dosing. I can not work, drive, and worst of all bike, or hike. I am given to seizures at any time. I am an extrovert living in an introverted world(within in the walls of my home). We got a puppy to keep me company. I find myself in conversation in my lonely days with my dog?!?! He is so cute, but come on! I try hard to busy my days, and not get down. Daydreaming of my rides, and the exhilaration that came from throwing my bike on the top of the car in find of the best trails. 

I have not given up hope that this can not still be in my future. It is just 4 medicines later, and still no respite. Each time I have a seizure it is 6 months from then that I can drive. So 6 months from 3 days ago. Yay me! 

My bike sits without its rider, and I sit alone. Most days bored out of my mind! Hey don’t get me wrong I know people have it way worse. I look at my bike with fond memories, and long for the day my helmet is worn in protection on the roads. For yes I have had to wear it on bad days in my house. Pretty cool I must say. 

I am in great anticipation  of when my neurologist gives me the thumbs up, and says “let your life resume”.For my bike is calling my name, yeah my bike talks to me. Maybe I have been in the house to long. 

“Come on me, it is time again to ride hard or go home”, said with an Epileptic drone.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention I am grateful for my life everyday! For God has me, and I am His. With that said, Epilepsy really sucks!! 

My mom my biggest cheerleader, even when I waded in my own death

My mom has always been my biggest cheerleader. Cheering me on from afar, 3,200 miles to be exact. Usually through a very insane phone call of a mental breakdown brought on by me, and drinking. She was on the receiving end of many distressing phone calls. Calling her sobbing, slurring, in my altered reality brought out when drunk. I was most often quiet, and distant when I was sober. Then all hell would break loose as soon I was able to wrap my mouth around that bottle, and consume my poison. Like I had said she had set up an account for me after being arrested which would only allow for me to make out-going calls to her. Which I will be soon writing of my release from jail, as I have not forgot. I was asked today when I will write the next excerpt of my story of bondage, and solace in a bottle as to not leave my readers hanging. It is coming, as my whole purpose for my writing is to share of my very broken wings. How God has restored me, and given me flight. For His grace gave me life, when death was lurking over me.

With that said, I had to share of my happenings today. I know as I am a mother myself, a mother’s love knows no bounds. A mother will always have a bias towards her own. Her kids are the best, and can do no wrong. Yet you see my mom has seen me at my most frail, when death encroached me. She has seen my pride that was all consuming. She has had the pleasure of having me tell her to F-off, and that I hated her. Yes drunk out of my mind, but it still came out of my mouth. She watched as 18 years of what was a family decomposed because my heart was black, and barely beating. Barely breathing had become my purpose. I was drowning in alcohol, and really did not want saving. The bottom I loved was the bottom of a bottle, because it meant it was time for another. She hardly got to see her grandchildren, because we lived so far away. She was losing me, my family, and all that had been falsely perceived at my lack of honesty. It was all okay, really as I sat in a car alone after work chugging alcohol so I could bare the thought of returning home, and yes I drove home. This was my normal, my chaotic existence swirling in my loss of consciousness. I was a DRUNK!!

I began this blog as I have quite the story, and have lived quite a hard life for 43 years old. My whole life has been walking in and out of one trial, just waiting for the next. Each one gradually becoming more tragic in nature. God has been so faithful in my journey. 3 years, and 8 months sober I have found healing in sharing the resurrection of my life, and surrender to God. Trading death for life, and alcohol for sanity. I was given a second chance at getting right with God, and with that all the other things(life) has lined up. Life is falling into place, sober is beautiful. My life is beauty, and I represent as the daughter of a mighty King. I am adorned with grace, that I was so undeserving of. There is no greater love unbeknownst to me, than that of my Lord. So I write…

My mom has been a great encouragement as I walk in sober shoes. She has always known my passion for writing. She was there when I submitted my work at the Young Writer’s Conference in grade school winning ribbons for my accomplishments. She has seen my writings since, via Facebook, and other outlets. She has always said I have a gift. As soon as my story began to unfold on here, she was always the first to read, like, comment, and sharing to her Facebook for all to read. As I had been doing all of this from my phone(quite the challenge). She texted one day saying, “you need a computer, and I don’t use mine”.

So this is my first post on MY laptop, given to me by my mom. A women who has loved me at my worst. A mom who loves me unconditionally, and with this in my possession all the proof needed she believes in me. She is my biggest cheerleader, now she gets to cheer me on through the most promising times in my life. Also not from 3,200 miles away, as I am home now. That is where we go when we are most broken. “Home is where the heart is”, my heart is here…so for you mom, I love you! Thank you for believing in me even in my sinking sand❤

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From my minds eye

Word Prompt: Gray

I asked the dreaded question to the gal cutting, and coloring my hair. It was a such a “girly” question too. I bit down on my lip a little out of anxious curioisty waiting for her answer,”how gray am I, like can you give me a percentage of how gray my hair is”? You know the old saying, “curiosity killed the cat”. The vanity in the question, caught even me by surprise. I mean come on I was 40 something. What was I expecting her to say, “you have zero percent gray“. As one of my silver hairs caught the light, and tracked the line of my hair from root to end just that morning. That old song by, Carly Simon was looping my mind. You know it well, “You’re So Vain”. Okay yes I was so vain, and there was no probably this was about me! She looked at me, as her fingers ran about my head. Seperating pieces, finally “ummm I would say you are 18 percent gray. What the….you have got to me kidding me. 

When I looked in the mirror my minds eye saw all the years the locusts had ate away, and boy I saw gray. Gray in my hair, a whole slew of it. 18 percent gray who was she kidding, she was just being nice. Psh!

When I looked in the mirror my minds eye saw gray in the fine wrinkles around my eyes, oh yeah and those ones woman get just above the lip line. That if they wear there lipstick poorly, it bleeds into them making them all the more prounounced. 

When I looked in the mirror from my minds eye I saw gray in the weary traveler that was me. Standing there with my reflection, and the long gray journey my life had taken. My body had taken quite a punch. Can you imagine what a gal like me should reflect blowing a .24 at 108 pounds. That is 3 times the legal limit. This was a daily regemine for me too(quite the beauty guru ay). My liver was obviously gray, well probably black. 

From my minds eye I was all gray. There was no other color I resembled. From head to toe, from heart to soul, Gray. When I think of gray I think of pitiful. I was slathered in gray could I ever have a color? 

From my minds eye I saw gray as I had not learned sober yet. I was gray with chaotic indifferance. I was gray, my marriage was gray, my relationships with my children were gray. My pours were gray, and smelled as if death had found me. God to me at this time, was so gray. Did he even know my gray?

God did indeed know my gray. He viewed me nothing of what I did from my minds eye. In fact he was gracious to me, and he restored the years the locusts had ate away. Not to toot my own horn(well sorta) many a people have said I look great, and even young for the life I have lived. I do have a color, and actually many colors reside from head to toe, and heart to soul. 

With God I slayed the gray, and as a token of my obedience to Him I am made into a masterpiece of colors. Vibrant, colors only adding to my youthful 40 something self.

When I look into the mirror today from my minds eye,  gray…nah! Only when the color from my hair has faded, and I know it time to color it again. I am not going gray yet…

I am only 40 something come on…