Ours are not paper hearts..

Heard you hopped a plane from Florida to Washington, this was it. It hit hard. I actually saw the airport photo of you on Instagram. With guitar like always as your carry on. What a slam. The papers were served after 3 1/2 years of separation, and 21 years of marriage it would soon ALL be over

No minor children, or assets to split. Just look over the documents, and agree to it, and sign for dissolution of marriage. No happily ever after riding off in horse and carriage

It had been so long since we had seen one another. My heart was ill prepared for this kind of meeting. The encounter of what would finally be our end. My heart was split like a lumber jack standing with an axe in hand right down the middle. A perfect score. Ready to burn, it ached for us and all we had been through 

I knew you did not have the means to file. Your papers sat stagnant in Florida courts for years. The kids even begging for order, and closure. For awhile I was allowing God to still take precedence just for hopes pleasure there was still a chance at salvaging the wreckage. Hope was long gone as was the song played on our wedding day

Pastors teach divorce is worse than death, because there is no finality in it. Your dad was there the pastor himself, and the one who married us. Hearts lay baren, where we once took up rest in one another. What takes a lifetime to build was signed off in that of the matter of minutes with a pen and signature

Here it was the day to appear before the judge. My body was permeated with emotions all over the board. It had been 3 1/2 years since I had even seen you. So little conversation too. Our poor kids my heart could not fake, for God sake this was not how it was supposed to be. Bending to my knees. God prepare me for me this end. Give me poise, don’t allow me to fall apart

So they we were, the same members of our family from the beginning on our wedding day. You walking by a nod of your head, me just in shock. You looked so different. Your mom and dad followed behind. Your dad the only one saying hi. You looked like a rebellious child heeding to your father’s cohearsing. This was a day to mourn a marriage that was born 21 years prior. We were awaiting the death of what God had brought together. We failed our vows, and the cost was great. Sorrow was the hallway we sat in

Our names called the same names still, but soon to be different. As I entered a peace was brought over me. My thoughts so clear, as you were the closest in that chair next to me than we had been in years. I felt so little for you, I did not know you. How could this be? God was allowing me to let go, set ourselves free

All sworn in and papers looked over, irreconcilable differences. So cut and dry. I proceeded to hand the judge all the documents he needed. Now being signed, date stamped, and completed

The end was in my hand of that of a paper (a paper end). Marriage dissolved, I know longer belonged to him or him to me. We all stood to exit the court room. Never even said goodbye, barely even a glance just went on our way

I was grieved to see celebratory instragam photos that night in that of a wine bottle, and the comments too. This was not a day for celebration. A family torn apart, the Lord cried for our demise that day. Our children’s hearts were broken. Yet you take token 

There was no celebration to be had from me, just closure. Knowing it was now time to move on. With God taking over. This was not what he purposed for our family. All in that of a paper. Yet these were not paper hearts, ours all 4 were blood shed. Wounds not sparred. It started with well meaning hearts, all played out

“The End” she cries many tears for the years lost and memories shared

Dissolved, and over. Time to start over 

โ€œI will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.โ€
โ€”Joel 2:25 (ESV)

Word Prompt: Paper

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Author: Lisa O'Day, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

29 thoughts on “Ours are not paper hearts..”

  1. My sister recently went through this. Like 2 weeks ago recent. She wouldn’t let anyone go with her. She didn’t speak to anyone that day. I still haven’t come to terms with “not having a brother” anymore. I’m sorry you had to go through that…

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    1. Yeah none of his family even acts as if I exist. It is odd. I grew up with his dad being my pastor since 4th grade. I am the mother of their grandchildren. We had been married longer than any of their 4 children. I am remarried to a man who holds are marriage vows sacred. That is the only reason I divorced. I was willing to seek counseling. I think he himslef holds so much guilt it kills him. He fell into adultery over and over. It just was too hard. We had been through so much as it was. I would never divorce if it was not for a biblical reason. We were just a mess all around. It is all so sad though. All those seem as is if they don’t exist. Except for my kids. Other than there is like no evidence almost. Tragic.

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      1. It is tragic. I don’t even remotely understand how that is some people act these days. Like I said, I am having a hard time dealing with my sisters divorce. Her husband has been in my life since I was twelve years old. He’s more than just a brother to me. He was my like a father figure to me during some of the worst years of my life. I’ll never understand it…

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      2. Don’t feel that way about yourself. You did the best you could with what you had. We all fall short. Satan DID NOT get you. God has already won. There is no telling what God is going to do to bring your mess for His glory!

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      3. No I was just saying he sought to bring about a few things with success. I wish were not invited into my life. Which we all have. Adultery is so hard. It is the one insecurity in my life I battle with being remarried. I know God will come out victorious. He always does. His plan will be of something so glorious!! I am just waiting. My kids were so wounded on all of this.

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    1. Thank you Jan. God is always faithful to reign vicortrious. My husband now is amazing, and Fod fearing. My son really likes him, and needs that kind of a Godly role model. It is always the kids that suffer the most. God purposes for all. So we shall see what greatness will come of all of this. ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒžโ˜ Soverignty!!

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      1. I dont know… such a man can make it worse for your kids. Kids need to be in a healthy environment.
        He sounds like a self-destructive person who is dragging everyone around him into his own misery. Its better to stay away from such people.

        I have known such a person closely. His loved ones thought they need him but they are better when he is not with them.

        Why hold onto barbed wire when you know thats just going to hurt you further.

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      2. My son up and left Orlando Florida for Washington State with out even telling him or my daughter. My daughter is finally seeing she needs to be set free as well. Since my son’s arrival and is only 18, he cut all contact with both of them. They have no means of getting in contact with him. My ex’s own dad called him a narcissist. Which that he is. I just no one is beyond hope. If people had given up on me I would not be where I am today. He has to be on his own and hit bottom. Which it looks like it is coming to that very soon. He drinks so heavy my daughter fears he is just going to die. He is great at making the world feel like they all screwed up when it is really him who has all the things he claims is wrong with every one else. I am so proud of my son!! That was brave of him, he got out!! So yes you hit it right on the nail. Still gonna pray for him. He is my kids dad, and even with all the hurt they would sad if something serious happened to him. Also how cool would it be if he turned his life around for the good. Who knows only God!!

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      3. Sounds exactly like the person i knew. Always screwing up everybody else’s lives and playing victim throughout.

        Well you are an extremely optimistic person. And you have a good heart. I can never be that forgiving.

        I just hope your optimism yields something good.

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      4. It is how God wants me to be. I have done horrible things in my life too. Without forgiveness I would have no one. Forgivness is key in relationships with people in general. He may not ever come around. I saw him pretty ugly in that court room. Life is all about mistakes. Some are harder to fogive than others. He made me have some pretty big insecurity issues. I just hope for joy and fullness in my kids life. They have lost so much already. In all honesty I believe we all have one of these people in our families or lives. They mean one any good. It is hard, but I still hope maybe. I am done with him. We have not spoke in a very long time. I just live with grace as it has been given to me. โ˜

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  2. It was such a difficult situation for you. You did your best and hope for the best. But it takes only one person to make the divorce happen. I’m glad you had the strength to go through that and now you have a caring husband.
    My was too ugly to talk about. Both the divorce and the custody battle. I lost $100,000 over it and lost 5 years of time with my daughter – only saw her once within the five years.

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    1. It is hard. God did not allow it to go through until my kids were over 18. He wanted child support, claiming abandonment. He tells everyone I abandoned my family. The truth is my bags were packed and it was time to go. I had to get healthy. If I would have stayed I honestly do not think I would be alive. It was so mentally deranged in our home. My mind was in constant disarray over the games he played. He made me feel insane. My son says the same thing. It was tough. In the end the kids were no longer minors and I just could not fight about the pictures or things he still has of mine. It just needed to be over. I was so surprised he flew here for it. He did it without the hope of me not knowing. God is always faithful I saw the picture. It said Spokane bound. Our court date was two days away from that picture my daughter posted. Had I not been prepared I would have lost it when I saw him. God is so good. He so hoped for that too by not telling me. It went so easy. He argued nothing, and just signed. There was nothing to argue the judge made that very clear to him. It was obvious the judge did not care for him. He sat there so disrespectful in his demeanor. Slumped in his chair. He had no pen, and the judge asked the baliff to lend him one. He was unruly. The judge called him out a couple of times. Had I not been prepared and had the papers I had it would not have been granted. Thankfully he did show too. That helped a lot. I think his parents made him fly up. It was almost 4 years after seperation. It was time. He has all our pictures, baby books, and many things of mine. I just had to let go. It was over.

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      1. My ex thought I was the problem, he suggested to go counseling. We went, but he left me there, so I went by myself for a long time. We went to three psychologists. I told the second one that I felt like I was a walking zombie! There was no life in me. I lost my laughing, happy self. In fact, every time I was talking on the phone laughing, I would get verbal abuse after that. So I tried to hide my happiness. He was sick. financially, I recovered quickly, because without him, I moved on fast. With my husband’s support, I went back to school to get my doctorate. I got promoted to be administrator. (I had the certificate to be administrator, but I didn’t think I had the emotional strength to take a job). I did well on my job, so I have a good retirement now. I reunited with my daughter and now looking forward to be a new grandma!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. It is so heart-wrenching, Lisa–and I’m glad you included the verse from Joel, as it means a great deal to me. I remember the day I went to court for my “dissolution” (he wasn’t there, no need to be)–I was shocked by how quickly I was no longer married: a bang of the gavel which crushed any remaining dreams and hope…I had such a fantasy in those short moments, that he’d rush into the courtroom and beg for another chance to be a Christ-like husband. As it was legally finalized on Feb 2, Ground Hog’s Day–that became a most unhappy anniversary, and took decades before I could laugh it off. Thank God for all He’s done in my life since that day–He and I both knew I’d made a mistake in marrying; and He was well prepared to be my Heavenly Spouse. My entire identity had been squelched and pummeled in my marriage, and God had planted too much potential within me to let that continue–His plans were to nurture me into a daughter who has made Him King of my Heart. Hallelujah โค

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    1. Likewise thank you for sharing. It is such a painful thing to go through. It was such an odd feeling for me. As we were inseperable while married, and then the infedilty just tore us apart. The divorce could not have happened had he not flown up. Just because of the two states and technicalities. It was more confirmation when I saw him that he was no longer the man I once knew so well. He kept making really sad immature comments under his breath as the judge would say things just loud enough for me to hear. It was so obvious the light on my side of the room. I was more then calm that day even though very sad. I was poised with God at right side. God definitely spoke through me. My words were clear, and very articulate. His presence did not throw me which I know is what he was hoping for. We married so young. I had even broke up with him before our engagement. I think back on that. My kids though were the blessing that came out of it. We do as my son reminded me the other day have fun memories before everything went so bad. I do think of him often we grew up in the same church. Sigh, God works in mysterious ways. The mystery of His will. I will forever pray he can forgive himself which I know he is struggling with. He used to bash men who cheated in their wives yet fell into to it over and over. I believe it is what is catching him up. He does not work. His car just got repossseded, and he can no longer pay for the apt my daughter leased for him in her name. Lord help them. He just does not care anymore he told her that. He has burned all his bridges, and no one will help him anymore. My son said that is what you get when you spend all you money on alcohol. I pray as I know he once knew God that God will let the rock fall on him. For my kids sake, and wake him from his slumber. He needs Jesus, and to forgive himself for his failure. Anyways thank you again. Life is so odd, and beautiful all at the same time. โค

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