As I sat here in prayer reflecting on my last 3 years and 10 months of sobriety, a lot has taken place.
When I first became sober I was absorbed in high doses of physical activity. I mountain biked, and hiked every day of the week. I loved it, and found solace in it. Of course anyone would say exercise is extremely effective, and beneficial. It aides the mind, body, and spirit. It keeps it in a repetitive motion of go. It is healing, and many doctors say exercise is a must when given to illness. Which is often a catch 22, because the illness ailes you to the point of not having or feeling the lack of energy and strength to exersise. Yet you feel better for it if you can.
There is very little time for the mind to be quiet in exercise. Even on the most serene of rides or hikes, the mind is still not completely quiet. It is a whisper of thoughts here, and there. I found it an easy escape, and great release in my recovery. Every thing that surrounded me was earth, and its beauty by God’s hands. I always had to be aware of that around me. I had to be cautious of my bike, and the mechanics working properly. I had to watch out for wildlife, rocks, and other hazards. My mind was always filled with thought. Never on a drink. How could it, it had so much to be in practice of to be a responsible/safe rider.
I love how the Lord works, and is in constant test of ones faith. A lot of times He will take what we love the most away to see if we can manage without it to stay steadfast, and abide in Him.
Which leads me to the sudden change, and my test of perseverance. Waking one day to my greatest hobby being put aside as my body was given to seizures again. I was told I could not drive, work, and well anything that put me in harms way until we found a way to get them under control. For some it can be years, others never. Which of course how idiotic would I be to hop on my bike knowing a seizure could be a moment away. So the thing I found most exhilarating, was gone just like that.
God was saying here you go Lisa, now you will sit in the walls of your home with more time than you know what to do with. Your brain will sit idle. I of course have found things to do, but nothing that made my mind as occupied as riding. An alcoholics worst fear. How will I deal, how will I handle the mundaness of this test? A big question mark in my life happened over night. It is a test to see if I can remain looking up, and not giving in. Remain sober.
I get bored very easy, I am a high energy person by nature. My seizures do make me a little more tired than my usual self. There are days that are put to a stop depending on how bad my seizure is. Those days are hard, my brain get all caddy whompis from the electrical surges, and depression can be what accompanies my seizures. My thought process is all screwed up. It can take a lot to even form sentences, my brain is in struggle to function mode.
Still here is my plight. You can only clean so much. So what do I do with my time in an 8 hour day while my husband is at work? I have no children to care for. The laundry is done, the lawn is kempt, the trash is out, the floors are clean, the bathrooms glean. I have one big meal to cook. So that leaves me several hours still with just me, and my thoughts. I have yet to be able to go for walks by myself. Just for the risk alone. God is requiring me to make Him first. He is asking of me my time. In the quiet of my day He is saying pray, read, come unto me. Seek me, and find solace in me. He has given me this blog, and has told me to write. Somedays I make so many errors, I delete and repeat. Still though this a lot of time alone. Just me. I can’t get in my car to go meet a friend to talk, and when I am home most people are at work.
A friend of mine who is an avid moutian biker just last week went for a day ride. He is now hospital bed bound with a halo screwed into his head. He broke his neck. He lived to ride. He is in such immense pain. Praise God he is not paralized. He will most likely ride again, but not for sometime. His live changed in an instance. I believe I too will ride again.
So I ask you the same question what if what you love most was taken from you with the snap of a finger? Not bringing you to death, but mere quiet. Would you triumph over it? Would you maintain happiness, and vigor. There are but only 2 options. Triumph, or give in. Would you remain steadfast with life? Whatever that may be for you? So far I can answer yes. The days are hard, and long. I never thought once I found riding it would just as quickly be taken from me. Yet here I sit one year next month since my last ride. Everyone who knew me knew that riding was my life, I thrived to ride. I loved it, and everything that came with it. All were in support of such a healthy sport and lifestyle too. They cheered me onward.
Would you still triumph? It is easier said than done. What if it was something that you made part of your whole life for many years. In an essence part of your existence. What if it was one the reasons you woke each day? That for me was my kids. That was stripped for a time to. In God I have made it through. Would you?
This was just something that pressed upon my heart this morning in my prayer time, as I now have to find things to fill yet another day unto Him. Until who knows when? He does…
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.