Pick it up, be on your way. Vanished heart

Here today, gone tomorrow. In the blink of an eye, 18 years were swept under the mat. Not even a proper goodbye. 

18 years of my life in one suitcase, no evidence of me ever belonging to my family. Nor them to me. Vanished from my life, no longer a wife or mom. All was gone

Looking back on all the years the waves we rode, I should have seen the corosion setting in. We were past rusty. Denial eases the sting. Send me on my way, and pretend of my non existence. Does this kind of rejection come with a death certificate? On a plane ready to leave what was my life behind. It changed with the flip of a dime 

Word spread fast that you called it abandonment. You played that card well. You were ill. I had to trust that with God in time, He would give me back my rights. All you packed up in a single night. You can’t pack human life. I could feel the dissolution my children were carrying 

Loneliness crept, and crawled through every cavern of my body. Like a spider bite, with deathly consequence. Alone! Self pity ready to sit and share its first dinner. Feed upon my soul. It was an all time low. I could not hear their voices, see their faces, or feel them. The little light left was becoming so dim. Lord allow me to feel them. Keep the bulb lit 

God I need you to make this wrong right. Evil came, and wreaked havoc all in the still of the night. Those evil mongers were stomping all over shattered images of 18 years. Spitting vile, and having a hay day on our grief. Parading on memories left.Vacating our souls. Make them GO! I hate that suitcase it resembles nothing holy

It seems like a nightmare sometimes still. All this damage. Lord take us all four, and renew us as quickly as night turns to morning. Let glory be seen in this tragic blood fest. Breathe new life, and hope. Heal our soldiers wounds. Break open the cacoon of lies, spill it and make it right 

Vanished without a trace, my kids hearts broken for their mom. All in effort for me to seek your face. Grovel to my knees. Jesus I need YOU!! At the cross of Calvary I will stay, sifting/sorting. Tracing all the years lost, in my memory bank I toss about. So much loss, and in it I know I will gain in my pain. It is the Mystery of your will. I will be still

Bring me out of these termoultulous times, and in you I will trace back my heart from the start. Where I said, yes Jesus in you I believe. Pour your grace upon me. Make me whole again. Let the barren fragments, and pools of tears be yours. Fear no more for I know I am not alone, and you are soverign

I get to see one face that makes my heart sing, and you are allowing traces of my life back. The odds were stacked against me, but in you I will always prevail. What was lost in one suitcase, I am gaining in my soul. You can’t pack human life, for in you there are traces of life being reconditioned 

2 down 2 to go. You we will all soon behold. Traces…

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Word Prompt:Trace


Author: Lisa O'Day, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

18 thoughts on “Pick it up, be on your way. Vanished heart”

    1. It is all said and over with one not by my own doing. I would have even with biblical reason for an out tried, there was no try. They did not want it nor see it as necessary. Now it is praying for my kids sake he comes back around. It is the kids who suffer greatly. Although for everything that happens under heaven there is reason. Soverignty is what I rest in. Also the mystery of God’s will sometimes takes years to unfold. God is gracious, and will protect my kids hearts.

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  1. I see you in me. Although it was 10 years rather than 18. I was a hard working mother and he was insane with no job. Still, he walked away with my daughter. I worked so I paid custody for 5 years. He “locked” her away from me. I only saw her once in five years. All phone numbers were disconnected, left only one email address, the minimal required contact by law. I cried myself to sleep on countless nights. I prayed only for the protection of my daughter. When she turned 18, there’s no money for him from me. She went to University far away from him, starting to communicate with me. Now my daughter and I are best friends. We shared, talked about all that we suffered.


    1. Wow this gives me much hope for my daughter and me. She just needs to released from his hold. I pray daily for this. My son just left never told neither of them, and has changed all his numbers and blocked them on all social media. My daughter hurts thinking I left her. She knows the truth, but she is severly manipulated by him. He is ill, and needs help. She pays all his bills. My son is younger, and all his paychecks went to them and very nice 1,500 apt yet he worked full time and slept on the floor (no bed). So he got in a car with his girlfriend and made a road trip here. We are very close. He saw all his dad is. When I was there, and since he has declined even more. It is so sad! Thank you for sharing, these stories give me hope. She will be 21 this year. Boys seem to take less abuse. God will prevail!! I do know this. Wait, and patience. Hard though. She is still be putting through so much!! My son will barely talk about it all. He said it way too much that he has seen. That says a lot.

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      1. I also went for many a couple years with zero contact from any of them. My son told me he told his friends I died. That made me so very sad to hear. He was just told horrible things but knew they were not true. He hugged me so tight apologizing. We all were monopolized by the same person. So he had nothing to say sorry for. We are both healing now in the same ways. Praise God he is here. He got out!!


      2. It took my daughter a long time to be able to talk about it. Eventually she said, during those years under her dad’s control, hearing what he said about me, without having a chance to get to know me, she didn’t know if she could trust me. I’m glad I waited and let her find out his true face without saying a word. She later said, “Mom, I’m glad no matter how much I tried to push you away (under dad’s influence), you stayed with me.” It made me cried.” In fact, she suffered the same emotional abuse as I plus being manipulated.
        She knew she needed help (few years ago), she read books, went to group support. Even though she didn’t block her dad’s email, she rarely read it. I hope your son eventually talks about that to vent it out! Praying for you. Keep telling your daughter that you love her, and that you’re praying for her dad!

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      3. Thank you!! Did you know this is a divine appointment on WordPress. Grace is my #1 favorite word. Yes she has called a few times crying, cussing, and filled with all sorts of emotions. She said how could you leave me with him? She has called me every name in the book. She has had times of trying, but is easily swayed. She feels I took her brother away. She said you took the only person who was here away from me. I told her he left on his own accord. I do know she thinks little of her dad. I read it all the time on her Twitter. She is miserable. She will not accept my help in getting away. He lives such a life that he could die young. Abuses alcohol, and drugs. His blood pressure is very high. His health is bad. He is abusive in all ways. My son said I need to worry for her. Which broke my heart. He is very sick. So…God needs to do whatever to remove him. That is my prayer. Daily I pray this for her.

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      4. I felt the same way about my ex. He is mentally ill, medically. He lives in Thailand now because money goes a long way there. Being white, he had some privilege. When tsunami hit Thailand, he happened to come back to US. I said to a friend that how come so many good people die but he escaped death again and again. My friend who works in the church, honestly said, I wished him dead sometimes. But you know what? He suffered the way that he wished he is dead right now. His abusive language drove every single friend away. He has all kinds of illness to a point that legally he can’t fly. He can’t step into the US soil anymore. Even his sister blocked his email. He will die a miserable, sick and lonely soul. My daughter and I forgave him long time ago. We are praying for him and just let God’s will be done! God has mercy on me and spared my life from cancer. Now I can enjoy my daughter, and witness God’s promise: “Vengeance is mine.”
        Your daughter will come to senses soon. I kept email to my daughter before she turned 21. I said by 21, you’re independent legally. You can do anything without your dad’s permission. It worked!

        Liked by 1 person

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