The new kid on the block; newbie me


He wiped the morning dew from my eyes. I finally put away my disguise. I can see through the stained wet glass my Lord’s reflection. He has allowed me clarity, and sight. Much to his delight, I can now praise his name in any weather, and certainly dance in the rain. For his love for me will never change. I am free, and I am ME!! 

Photo credit; Lisa Raplh-Winter 2011, Spokane Wa. Cold dreary winter morning, with no end in sight. 

I am no longer the new kid, but still kept my armor on, newbie or not. Three years, and eight months of Sobriety brings about a sort of coziness in it if you will. Yeah, I am cozy today. I have a resilience I did not have then. My comfort is not in a bottle. No more climbing in, and soaking in solidarity day in and day out. No more self loathing with every gulp. When I was done with my bottle it was empty, yet spilling from its rim was every emotion worn from the entirety of my life. I was like the teddy bear that was unrecognizable as to its character, stowed away in a yard sale box. 

In the beginning it was just plain awkward in every way. There was an uneasiness that resonated from within me. I was aware that most could sense it too. I knew they were looking at me, thinking will I be able to pull it off? Can she remain sober? Is she really sober? 

I stumbled into my mornings, but not a drunk stumble. A stumble of not knowing how to function with out alcohol. My mental capacities were lowered. I was like a baby learning how to go from a crawl to a walk, and I forgot how to walk and was back at a crawl. A snails pace is how I went from day today. Or at least I did in the first few weeks. 

All the while I held onto the famous saying “one day at time”. As well the “serenity prayer” was recited over and over in my head. People seemed awkward around me. I knew my need for change infriends/scenery was a necessity, as I was to feeble to stand alone in this whole “sober life” idea. God was my only steadfast safety net. He was my “AA”, his truths!! He surrounded me with the tools of my spiritual armor to help in the battle of my mind. The battle was fierce, I had only just come to an understanding as well as admittance that I was “an alcoholic”. 

As rooted in the word (Bible) as I was, the temptations were all the greater. That is what happens when we die to self. Satan will bring about stimuli that is astehically pleasing to our eyes, and mind. His hope is our heart fails. For all the while he is endorsing failure, making it vibrant all around. I had to drown out the eye candy, and for a while stop sight seeing. I needed solitude to rest in my new found clarity. I was under great arrest, and being put to every test.

So in the very beginning it was a lot of walks, and reading my Bible. I had few conversations with friends, just waiting for the craving to be anbandoned. It was still there like the nag of the little brother in constant ask to come along. “No”!! “You can’t, you always want to tag along”. “You are annoying, slow me down, and I just want to be alone”. “Leave me alone”!! His little shadow always lurking in the distance.  

In the very beginning these were the honest raw thoughts that exhausted my thoughts, and tried to take up residence in my mind…”you can drink a little, a little will not hurt you”, “you are still hurting inside it will help ease the pain”, and “no one will ever know that you did”. This was a constant repeat all day, as my rebuttle was the Lord’s promises he gave me if I stayed sober, and as well what would come of me if I did not. At one point I even tried to convince my mom, that in order to stop drinking it needed to be a slow taper. She almost allowed me a drink too. Foolish!! I was new at “sober”,  as my life for years had been a self centered reliance of alcohol in dismissal of the Lord.

Storm ; Lifehouse Lyrics

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form

Water’s getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I’d see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be all right
I know everything is all right

Everything’s all right
Yeah
Everything’s all right

Word Prompt: Apprentice

Published by

Lisa Ralph, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

3 thoughts on “The new kid on the block; newbie me”

    1. Thank you Mark, I liken my writing to daily disciplines much like exercise. I am in hope of writing at least once a day. I am getting ready to step into a huge (at home) buisness venture. So if I can dedicate myself to this, then I believe I will succeed in my new step of faith. I have not bounced back well from my seizures, it takes everything in me after a seizure to sometimes even form a word let alone a sentence. So it is a push for me, and I have a lot of drive. So I write to prove to myself I am okay still. For me it is not religion I write of, just a personal relationship. For I have been there done that, and seen that. My life has been exposed to a lot of crazy crap. Religion is ritualistic in nature, and legalistic. That I am not. Just a girl who knows the failures we can all struggle with. Even to having understanding/forgiveness of the dark secret other than our (both) drinking that ruined my marriage of 18 years. We are human, we mess up and screw up. Sometimes at others expense. It is about forgiving, and grace. Simple. I get people, all sorts of people/lifestyles. I am people person! Always have been just comes out more in my sobriety. Now that I just wrote a book. Lol.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s