My mom has always been my biggest cheerleader. Cheering me on from afar, 3,200 miles to be exact. Usually through a very insane phone call of a mental breakdown brought on by me, and drinking. She was on the receiving end of many distressing phone calls. Calling her sobbing, slurring, in my altered reality brought out when drunk. I was most often quiet, and distant when I was sober. Then all hell would break loose as soon I was able to wrap my mouth around that bottle, and consume my poison. Like I had said she had set up an account for me after being arrested which would only allow for me to make out-going calls to her. Which I will be soon writing of my release from jail, as I have not forgot. I was asked today when I will write the next excerpt of my story of bondage, and solace in a bottle as to not leave my readers hanging. It is coming, as my whole purpose for my writing is to share of my very broken wings. How God has restored me, and given me flight. For His grace gave me life, when death was lurking over me.
With that said, I had to share of my happenings today. I know as I am a mother myself, a mother’s love knows no bounds. A mother will always have a bias towards her own. Her kids are the best, and can do no wrong. Yet you see my mom has seen me at my most frail, when death encroached me. She has seen my pride that was all consuming. She has had the pleasure of having me tell her to F-off, and that I hated her. Yes drunk out of my mind, but it still came out of my mouth. She watched as 18 years of what was a family decomposed because my heart was black, and barely beating. Barely breathing had become my purpose. I was drowning in alcohol, and really did not want saving. The bottom I loved was the bottom of a bottle, because it meant it was time for another. She hardly got to see her grandchildren, because we lived so far away. She was losing me, my family, and all that had been falsely perceived at my lack of honesty. It was all okay, really as I sat in a car alone after work chugging alcohol so I could bare the thought of returning home, and yes I drove home. This was my normal, my chaotic existence swirling in my loss of consciousness. I was a DRUNK!!
I began this blog as I have quite the story, and have lived quite a hard life for 43 years old. My whole life has been walking in and out of one trial, just waiting for the next. Each one gradually becoming more tragic in nature. God has been so faithful in my journey. 3 years, and 8 months sober I have found healing in sharing the resurrection of my life, and surrender to God. Trading death for life, and alcohol for sanity. I was given a second chance at getting right with God, and with that all the other things(life) has lined up. Life is falling into place, sober is beautiful. My life is beauty, and I represent as the daughter of a mighty King. I am adorned with grace, that I was so undeserving of. There is no greater love unbeknownst to me, than that of my Lord. So I write…
My mom has been a great encouragement as I walk in sober shoes. She has always known my passion for writing. She was there when I submitted my work at the Young Writer’s Conference in grade school winning ribbons for my accomplishments. She has seen my writings since, via Facebook, and other outlets. She has always said I have a gift. As soon as my story began to unfold on here, she was always the first to read, like, comment, and sharing to her Facebook for all to read. As I had been doing all of this from my phone(quite the challenge). She texted one day saying, “you need a computer, and I don’t use mine”.
So this is my first post on MY laptop, given to me by my mom. A women who has loved me at my worst. A mom who loves me unconditionally, and with this in my possession all the proof needed she believes in me. She is my biggest cheerleader, now she gets to cheer me on through the most promising times in my life. Also not from 3,200 miles away, as I am home now. That is where we go when we are most broken. “Home is where the heart is”, my heart is here…so for you mom, I love you! Thank you for believing in me even in my sinking sand❤