Apparently my mom had had conversation with my then husband. When the phone was finally pushed through the slot in my cell door, my mom’s voice rang through frantic. 3,200 miles separated us, but I could hear fear in her voice. A mother’s fear, unlike that of no other.
“Honey, she said I can’t help you from here. He is not going to help you, his plan(my then husband) is to make you suffer”. I believe his exact words were, “throw you to the sharks, and let them have their way with you”. As if his life was any better? Which was fine if he himself only lived by the word(Bible) as he spoke it. Instead he manipulated it with great delusions. Nothing he ever said made sense. It was as if he spoke in rhymes, and riddles. No, just no I thought even with my knowings of this man. He would not do that, would he?
Anxiety resonated through the phone. Tears welled up in my eyes, and again the mangling of my heart proceeded more rapidly than before. I should not have been surprised. He did not care if I had not a phone, money, or a way. He would not be there for me. I was 30 miles from Orlando in Sanford Florida. A city in which I knew little of. My mom’s trepidation for me, only brought me to complete terror for what was to come. There was no peace that surpassed all understanding.
I was feeble in heart, mind, and spirit. I know it was of my own doing that found me in this conundrum. I also knew no matter what he was supposed to be there, to love me like Christ loved the church. I was his wife, his responsibilty. He was not without fault. He too had some huge dark clouds lurking over him. Ones that I knew about, his sky was just as dark as mine. So I came to the crushing reality we both had loves for the world, and were not ready to rid them in rescue of our marriage. Our selfish desires would be our demise. There was no “us”. There really had not been for longer than I wanted to admit. My poor kids, we failed them greatly.
I knew my release from jail was immenent. For this battle now belonged to the Lord. He was the only one whom in my darkest hour still was there for me. I bowed my head that very day, and prayed for God to lead my way. I tried hard in my sober clarity to allow my shattered reality to give me strength where I had none. I was frail, and my heart had grown calloused. Spiritual anorexia, all the while the spiritual battle was rearing its head. For the worst for my soul was just to begin. I was so weary, and my life of the last 18 years seemed so very long. I could barely muster any praise, just a gaze through dreary eyes. It was time to rid my disguise. “Lord I am alone, and I have no idea what I am going to do”. My wings were broken, and I had been so unspoken. “Can you hear my hearts cries, and my trembling soul”? For I felt so very alone. “Lord, Lord, I need you”! Whispers from under my breath, as I knew this was life’s ultimate test.
And the girl the keeper of the bunk above me she slept away, none the different all the while. So I turned my head away curdled up in my translucent blanket, and cried my very barren heart to the Lord. It had been forever since I suited up with the full armor of the Lord ready for battle. This one was going to be done in my bare naked self. For I did not have it within my broken spirit to pick up my sword, and put on what seemed so heavy the armor of God.
I knew as soon as I was released the war was already in full force. For what awaited me was divorce, and a death of the life I once lived. Everthing that I had known up until this tragic day was getting ready to take play…
For it was true there would be no one to get me when I was released. So until then I cried, and cried, and cried some more…until the guard came for me unlocking my cell door.
When several surrounding nations gathered against Judah to destroy it, Jehosaphat knew he was no match militarily. So he called the people and leaders of Judah together to pray. The last sentence of his prayer summarizes his heart: “Nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon you”(2 Chronicles 20:12).
Excerpt taken from; Your Daily Journey With God, David Jeremiah.
It is better to meet God with tears in your eyes than weapons in yours hands. ~Thomas Watson
So I was more prepared than I knew, no weapons on my person, and many tears I had shed. Lord lead me into battle. For he(my then husband) was not coming for me.