By nature over the past several years I had become riddled with anxiety. My life was filled with chaotic compromise in every area. Anxieties that held me in captivity much like my jail cell.
I was sobering up. I had no alcohol to feed the uneasiness, pain, cries, anger, confusion, and loneliness. Anxiety made its way through the multitude of emotions, and I was wrecked with fear. My whole being given over to darkness. I saw no light, hope, or sanity. I was losing all sense of self. My head felt as if it hung lower than it had ever hung before. Locked behind closed bars. I did not have the key. I did not even begin to lift my weary head. If anything, I believe I sank lower in my cell than I had ever been before. I just wanted to stop breathing, to put an end to the waives of treacherous thoughts stomping on my heart.
My heart was racing, and I was panicked. I could see no way out. I did not look to my God. I played the woe is me card better in my crisis, so I thought. Self consumed, self loathing, foolishness, and a total disregard for the fact that I had a life outside the imprisoned self/cell.
I was enraptured by self. I shut down for a time. Everything that was taking place felt as if I was not part in it. I watched the process of the guards, saw others get booked, and I believe had some social interactions even. I had no idea what my life was to become, or what would become of me. I was as lost as lost gets. Might as well have put my mugshot with last seen date on the side of a milk jug. For I saw no hope, and I had no desire to keep on going. I was forced sober, and how could I do life sober? There was no drink behind these bars, and all my scars were becoming transparent to my own eyes, and I desperately wanted my heart to fail.
God was there as I was exposed, I was naked in heart without a drink. I wanted to shut down. There was no on, and off switch anymore. I was forced sober!!! How could I do sober? I couldn’t not yet!