Shaken not stirred. Jailed!! Get me out of here I just want one more drink so I don’t have to think. It hurts too bad…

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The sky has always been a unique metaphor for my life. I have countless pictures of skylines. This one represents this blog well. As I looked up I saw so little hope, God was still ever present. The darkness settled over me, and little light illuminated. For my heart was callused, and I was imprisoned by my own self affliction. Given to the emptiness of alcohol. Yet the light still shown through. All I saw was black…

So as I stated I was being hauled off to Jail. Me, the one who tried so hard to seem like I had it all together. I had begun my process of falling to pieces. Pieces were every where of my very broken heart. I was bleeding internally, and very scarred. I could not see how I was to survive this. I saw no hope!! How could this be my reality? I wanted still to drink nonetheless. Just a little something to rub on my wounds. Take the sting away. That was obviously not going to happen. I was shaken, not stirred. Not yet!!

Booking was fun(not), checked in the little I had. Was given a blue jumpsuit, patted down, picture taken, fingerprinted, was told to spread and cough, and deloused. How humiliating!! How had it come to this?

As I sat in my holding cell I remebered a conversation my then husband, and I had a week before this tragic incident. He drank as well(often and heavily), but my drinking was being addressed by him. He told me if I was to drink again, and get caught he would not spare me. He would allow whatever consequences were to come my way. I had later found out he was the one that told all my neighbors to call the police if I came back around that day. It was almost as if I was set up for my downfall. My whole life was lost, and changed the moment I was cuffed. He set me up for heart breaking realities, and for the making of my fall.

Although God was still in control. He was ever present with me as I sat there sober(I hated being sober too). He was speaking to me, and allowed favor for me while I was jailed.

You see I knew God well. He was whom my life belonged to. He was whom I made my marriage, and my kids lives revolve around. It was my relationship with God(my savior) that always kept me afloat. Being affluent in the church, and a biblical calling was what I knew. So how had I strayed so far? How had I sought solace in a bottle, instead of at my Lord’s feet? Drinking had become an escape. I could drown out all the chaos, and calamity that was becoming my every day life. I could drink myself dumb to the truth. My life as I had known it since January 7, 1995(the day I said I do), was a farse. Married at 20, and always expected to remain in that union as God intended.

As I sat there in jail, my heart was imprisoned as well. I wanted out, but honestly only to taste the alcohol on my lips, and coat the back of my throat. I wanted to taste, and live oblivion. I did not want to have to feel the pains of my reality.

For I was shaken not stirred!

Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success. ~C.S Lewis 

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Published by

Lisa Ralph, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

6 thoughts on “Shaken not stirred. Jailed!! Get me out of here I just want one more drink so I don’t have to think. It hurts too bad…”

  1. Your writing this stirs my heart as well Lisa. Some of us have chosen different ways to escape reality to not face the truth and live as if we are ok when we are not. That’s been me also Lisa maybe not in the same way with alcohol but never less being a lost person. I applaud you for you’re truthfulness. You are truly his, and set free from all the chains of Satan. I Love you! You are definitely ashes turned to beauty……

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, this is amazing. I can totally relate- the bottle was my way of escaping any kind of emotion that I didn’t want to deal with. But yet, alcohol has its way of making things worse than they were before, even if we don’t realize it at the time. At least that was my experience. You are so inspiring and truthful in your writing– it truly shines. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you Sara for your encouragement. This is a story God has been the author of for sometime. I have been sober for 3 years, and 8 months(giving God all the Glory). I could taste death. Instead of standing up strong in the Lord when I came to some harsh realities in my life, I ran. I ran to a bottle. Drinking my sorrows away. I should have sought the cross as I had always known comfort in God. I believe I was so blindsided that I was angry with God. I could not see His purpose in such heartache. My whole life as I knew it changed. I always thought my life was going to be one way, and one way only. So God took my very broken wings, and gave me flight. I was always a happy, and goofy gal. With a heart that was so big. In an instant because of the findings of one(my dearest) ill will I decided to crash instead of prevail. This is a story of grace, and victory. One of total reconstructive surgery of the heart. Keep reading, I bare all. I have nothing to gain. This is God’s living testiment of Christ in me, for I am His. I died to myself so that I could have life eternal with Him. With that has come many a promise, still being fullfilled to this day. For I am Lisa, a goofy girl that loves hard and knows grace. I live it!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. wow, lisa. powerful writing, amazing story. thanks for visiting my blog. i will be visiting you here too. God bless you, girl. you are one tough cookie. keep holding strong, you’re doing it! 🙂

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    1. Thank you Maria, I can take no credit, but thank you!! God gets all the Glory for my story. For I was always His just got caught up in the dark of the world. Then came the crushing, that had to take place for me to draw breath upon today. My death was immenent if I did not surrender, and die to myself. So here I am. Blessed to write, and write to hopefully bless. Have an awesome day. For Grace lives here, Lisa 🙏☝❤

      Liked by 1 person

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