Arrested, yet still I slumbered

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My Mug Shot Upper right corner(say cheese), signing autographs all day 9-5. This beautiful photo can be ordered in all sizes. At least I have a sense of humor(😀). Still shamed as I look at it, but as I look at my now pictures I can lift my hands in Praise for by His Grace I was found!

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be.

Danny Gokey(singer/songwriter)

July 4, 2013 a significant marker in my life indeed. The day before I was given some heart awakening revelations that I just could not bare. The reality of my life just did not seem real. Asked to not share with anyone to protect this person, and being their biggest fan for 18 years. Of course that being my every intention. The morning of July 4th, though I woke just wanting to find solace in a bottle of possibly a friend. Or maybe many friends. To my recollection, and what others have helped me piece together I began drinking heavily first thing. Alone in a grocery store bathroom. I was in Orlando Florida where my husband, two kids, and I had resided off and on for ten years. I was from Washington State. So that is where my drunken fingers found the zipcode on my phone to dial a friend in Spokane(home). The conversation I myself have zero recollection of. She brought me up-to-date many weeks later. Apparently all the while drinking more, and more as we talked. I do remember sobbing, and barely breathing between words of my very broken life. I kept nothing sacred. I bared all to her. I did not protect the secret revelations of my life that day. God I declared, “how could you forsake me”? He had not of course. I was just too blind to see by my own self pity. Beer goggles would be an understatment. 

I had been drinking quite a bit up to this day, as my life was spirially down. I just did not want to beleive the truth of what was. It hurt too bad. I felt like I might as well put a knife in my heart, and let the blood spill until my death. Which the amount of alcohol I had consumed proved I was desperate for my release from this life. I do remember in my drunken stooper a lady entering the bathroom. I most likely smelled ripe of alcohol, I would bet I did not fair to well in the looks department either. She still came over to my sunken body in the corner by the sink. She asked, “can I pray for you dear girl”? I sheepishly answered yes. I could still feel the immense rush of anguish. I needed more to drink. I could not stand to feel what overcame me, and the reality of what was my life. If I had clarity of mind to know what would be in the hours to come I would not have been so foolish. I did try to call my husband several times to only hear his voicemail over and over. This only exasperated me even more. I knew we had plans to celebrate 4th of July with our kids. How could they celebrate knowing I had gone missing, and most likely on a drinking binge? This picture seemed so wrong to me.

At some point when I could stand up to walk I looked out the restroom doors to see the morning had turned to night. My phone had so little life left in it, and I was sadly(for me) sobering up. It was time to walk the walk of shame back to my apartment. Thankfully it was just across the street. I still cried, and my thoughts were so dark. The saddest part was I painted a nearly perfect picture of my life for our friends, church body, and social media. Only few knew the secrets, and that our life was a train wreck waiting to happen. I was a passenger on a derailed train ready to jump at anytime plummeting to my death, so I could only hope.

When I got home, our car was still gone. I went to the door. Crap it was locked, and of course I was keyless. Really?!?  Patting my body, yes really. No key, no entry. I was growing tired, and just wanted to lay in my bed. 

Well I could not get in. My husband still would not answer to my calls. So I procceeded to knock on my neighbors door, after about an hour passing. My phone had died. I asked her if I could use her phone. I said little, just expressed the need to enter my apartement. She was very nice(so I thought). She asked me to wait a minute as she shut the door. She was gone for what seemed an eternity. In fact she never did return to the door, and I was naive all the while to what was about to happen.

There it was my ride, and end of 18 years of my life. A Seminole County Police car pulled up right out in front. The police officer got out calling my name. Confused at how the heck she knew me, I walked to her as she walked to me. When she got to me she said, “Lisa I told you if we had to come back you were going in”. I had no former memory of this converastion taking place. For me it was our first encounter. It seemed unfair. How sad had I become. She asked me to turn around as she placed my hands in cuffs. She read me my rights, and of course just as she placed her hand on my head to assist me in the back of her car, my family pulled up. As they watched as the door was shut on all my failure for the day, they walked to apartment slowly. Looking at me as I looked at them. As we pulled out of the apartment complex I turned my head with one last look as they all stood as I got hauled off to jail. Me, jail!! How did it come to this? My life as I knew it changed this day for the rest of what I call my life. This day, I was arrested yet still I slumbered. I was not ready for my awakening.

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Published by

Lisa Ralph, Cries from an unkempt garden

I write to tell my story of how I overcame self affliction, and great despair in this life. For I write to share the death to self that took place. That I may Glorify God in all I do. May my writings be a refelction of freedom, for I am no longer in captivity of self. May they be warm, and inviting. For I write because God has given me words that drip from my mouth to be seen.

7 thoughts on “Arrested, yet still I slumbered”

  1. As I read this of course I remember it also sometimes as if were yesterday but realizing much time has gone by and now I. no longer see you the way you are describing. But it is painful to read as your mother. It brings tears to my eyes and my heart was broken by these things you share.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The pain is nothing in comparison to when Jesus drank of that bitter cup to die so that we might have life. My life was pain, yes! But all for the Glory of God today! He is so gracious! I have no earthly father, but man do I serve an awesome King!! He broke me so that I could claim victory in his name. My marriage was my down fall. I idolized my husband and not God. So when some heart wrenching findings came about I did not draw strength from God, and say I am leaving with biblical reason. I wanted help, marriage counseling. Yet he(my then husband saw nothing wrong only in me). Which I was a mess, as I sought my solace in alcohol. It was so very wrong of me. With that said we are another static of Christian marriages’s that fail sadly. Though He is still struggling in the world. I don’t hate him, I just don’t like him. He has put our family through so much. My story is interwinded. Deeply rooted. I pray for him still to this day, remarried happily. To a God fearing man who adores me. My kids have seen that I have changed, and right now my son was just recently set free from his dad(Praise God). He is now living near me, with so much healing needing to take place. He is 18. He knows the truth of God, and the life He can have with him. Daily I grow. Daily my yearning to be closer to the Lord is more and more. For His will is all I desire in my life. Acceptance of what “was” has been the hardest part. Blessings, Lisa

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I haven’t personally experienced what you have gone though first hand, but I have had to watch it from the sidelines with my sister and her marriage…it’s been a devastating last couple of years thats for sure. I’m glad you were able to overcome it all and that Jesus brought you through it. I honestly can’t imagine what it must be like..I know I had my past, but it was just me back then, and with my husband and children now, that would be a whole other world of hurt. I am super excited to see what God has in store for you. I truly think he allows people like us to go down these roads because he knows our strengths and has big plans for it in the end. I realize we have free will, but still, He is God. One day at a time love.

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      2. He has set a path I must walk. As you will read my prayer that came to my resolve. With that he has given me this, I can never worship another God before Him. Alcohol will be my demise if I ever touch it again. He has given me many a promise that are being fullfilled as I write. Everyday I die to self!! Super on fire with desire for Jesus!! 💓🌈

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